20+ Hilarious Quotes Of Celebrities That You Probably Need To Learn By Heart

There are times in life when you'd like to make an impression on those around you. Those scenarios may be the first date with a knowledgeable person, an interview for a job caring for dolphins, or your high school reunion in Booger Hole, West Virginia.
While displaying your biceps and deltoids might be wacky, you can surely wow those individuals with your physical attributes, and it would be more balanced to knock 'em stiff with your humor. Unfortunately, not all of us have brilliant personalities and lightning-quick minds that can come up with thoughtful insights on any subject.
As depressing as that may sound, there is a life raft for the rest of us: remembering wisecracks from well-known figures. After all, some earned their fame precisely by being sharper, funnier, and more brilliant than the average person. View the humorous quotations for yourself! I believe we've provided a good overview of what you may expect to discover on this list, and your contribution would be to vote on the ones you perceive to be the funniest and foxiest—deserving of memorizing.

1. Betty White

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“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”

2. Dolly Parton

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“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.”

3. Stephen Hawking

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“The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.”

4. Jim Carey

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“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”

5. Tom Clancy

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“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”

6. Jack Handey

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“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”

7. Albert Einstein

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“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”

8. George Melly

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Jazz musician George Melly said, "Surely nothing could be that funny.” in response to Mick Jagger's assertion that his wrinkles were laughed lines.

9. Jack Whitehall

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“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”

10. Will Ferrell

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“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”

11. Michelle Obama

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“He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.”

12. Bob Hope

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"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

13. Oscar Wilde

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"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him."

14. Greg Tamblyn

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“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.“ 

15. Mark Twain

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“There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you're interrupting.“

16. Isaac Asimov

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“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”

17. Winnie the Pooh

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“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

18. Groucho Marx

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“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” 

19. Stephen Hawking

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“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is pre­determined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”

20. Graham Norton

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A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”

21. Terry Pratchett

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"The trouble with having an open mind is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."

22. Steven Wright

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“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”

23. Chris Rock

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"When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative."

24. Darynda Jones

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“Life isn't a fairy tale. If you lose a shoe at midnight, you're drunk.”